


Damp Parchment

by taranoire



Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, M/M, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-24
Updated: 2014-12-06
Packaged: 2018-02-26 20:45:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2665766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taranoire/pseuds/taranoire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Forced to separate, Hawke and Fenris exchange letters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. beyond your reach

_[he wakes up dizzy and cold. the fire is nothing but ashes and dimly glowing embers, the forest sings with the morning call of blackbirds, but there is no heavy weight at his back, no warmth, no comforting musk. in his hand, there is a small vial--empty, with a note tightly wrapped around it and bound with twine._

_the ache of fear spreads to his fingertips, and with some difficulty, he unfurls the note and begins to read the familiar, clumsy scrawl of dark ink:]_

Fenris, 

By the time you read this, I will have done something terrible to you. You are never going to forgive me, but I don't deserve anything less. 

The bottle contained a sedative of my own making, which I slipped into your water canteen sometime yesterday afternoon. There are detailed notes about its composition on the back of this scrap of paper, should you wish to know. 

Now. You have questions. I can't give you all of the answers. 

To the point, I am a bitter, clueless, selfish bastard who would rather leave you than endure the pain of losing you. You are my heart, my everything, and to watch you die as I almost have again and again on this long and tiresome road would be a death sentence for me as well as you. You know that. We've both known that. 

One of Varric's associates will find you and put you in contact with him, and if we're lucky, we might still be able to communicate  with each other with him as an intermediary. Don't bother trying to wheedle the truth about my location out of him. He's not going to tell me where you are, either. It's better this way. If I knew, I'd only come running back like a kicked, guilt-ridden mabari. 

Do not look for me. I know there's no point in saying it because you're going to try anyway. It's in your nature and you've never, ever listened to me. Just know I will be beyond your reach by the time the drug wears off. 

I love you. I'm so sorry. 

-Hawke

* 

_[the letter is bumpy to the touch and the paper makes cracking sounds, as if it had once been wet and has since dried. the ink has run in places, but it is still legible.]_

4th of Kingsway, 9:39 Dragon

Fenris, 

I'm alive, though you're probably not pleased to hear it. I'm not going to give you any juicy details about where I am, but know that it's cool, wet, and I'm absolutely miserable. As for what I'm doing...not much. Not much more than I was doing with you. Running and hiding and trying not to show my face in public. 

Laugh about that, if you wish. 

Varric wrote me and told me you're safe. I try to picture you in my head, but there's no setting, no background, and it makes being away from you even more unbearable. Sometimes I think this was a terrible idea. And then I see a templar, or catch the scent of death on the wind, and I remember why I'm here. 

I hope you're too angry to feel hurt. I hope you hate me, rather than blame yourself. I love you. 

-Hawke

*

16th of Kingsway, 9:39 Dragon

Fenris, 

I found this old pin on a corpse. I think it's Dalish. I know you don't really care about pretty things or even Dalish things, but the color reminded me of ~~your eyes~~ you and I thought maybe you might appreciate it. You could use it as a bookmark, perhaps.

Or throw it away. I wouldn't be offended. 

-Hawke

*

30th of Kingsway, 9:39 Dragon

Fenris, 

Since you haven't written back, I'm going to assume you're so unbelievably angry you're at a loss for words. Ironically, I'm happy to hear it. 

It's still cold, still wet, and I'm still miserable. I miss the dry heat of Kirkwall. I miss the cliffs and the scent of salt. I miss the dust and the stale musk of Darktown, and the way the rain was a welcome gift. Here it rains constantly and I'm chafing everywhere. 

More than anything, I miss you. Each morning I wake with memories of your kiss, with your name on my lips. I would not have the strength to fight or endure if I did not know you were alive somewhere out there. I would not be able to lift my bow if I did not see every threat as a threat to you.  

You are every dream, every heartbeat, every breath, every thought. Never doubt that. 

-Hawke

*

 

17th of Harvestmere, 9:39 Dragon

Garrett, 

Angry? You thouht I would be ANGRY?

~~Let me explain something to~~  

~~You absolute IDIOT~~  

I hate you. More to follow. 

-F. 

 

 

 


	2. better that we're apart

_[the letter is worn and warped, as if it has been crumpled up and flattened out again. the script is jagged and occasionally difficult to read.]_

17th of Harvestmere, 9:39 Dragon

Garrett, 

 ~~I'm not apologis~~  I should apologise for not writing sooner. I did not know what to say or how to say it. If you had allowed me to decide for myself whether or not to follow you, I might have been a little more forgiving, but as it stands I ~~scarcly~~ scarcely want anything to do with you. 

Hawke - you cannot see my expression and probably cannot tell how badly my hands are shaking, but I am livid.

If this is the end of days, you have robbed me of every last second I could spend at your side. You have taken any agency I might have had, and worse, you decided to drug me. I can only imagine what you might have been thinking, which isn't much, naturally. 

I hate this. And I still hate you. If you don't return to me, I will hate you all the more, so please make sure this incredibly stupid ruse was worth it. 

-F. 

PS. Your idiot hound is with me.  

* 

20th of Harvestmere, 9:39 Dragon

Fenris, 

Dear sweet Maker is it good to see your handwriting again. I'm grinning like a fool in the middle of an army camp and I'm pretty sure the people with me are staring, but I don't care. Honestly, Fenris, I was so deeply terrified that it was over, that you never wanted to speak to me again. I understand if that's the case. I'll understand if you change your mind. For now, though - I cannot deny it - I'm relieved. 

At the time, the idea of abandoning you seemed like a good one. In my mind, I thought, if he hates me then perhaps it will keep him safer. Perhaps it will allow him to move on. Even now I still think it's better that we're apart, but you need to know that I regret doing it the way I did. I should never have left you alone. Not like that. 

Keeping you alive was simply a very powerful motive. They've tried using you against me before, if you haven't forgotten. If our roles were reversed, what would you do in my stead? 

-Hawke

PS. I always knew you had a soft spot for Harry. Keep him safe. 

*

_[the parchment is soiled with dirt and something that smells suspiciously like ale. attached to the letter, there is a damp, soft package wrapped in paper.]_

24th of Harvestmere, 9:39 Dragon

Fenris, 

I knitted you a scarf. I have nothing to do here and I don't speak [ _here, a portion of the letter has been marked out with dark ink. a note is scrawled in the margin:_ "Not taking my chances, elf. You're too clever and too headstrong. -Varric" _]_

It's--green. I don't even think you have a favorite color, but I like to pretend it's green. That or some shade of black. I'm rambling. Just take it. 

Or throw it away! I still won't be offended. 

-Hawke 

* 

26th of Harvestmere, 9:39 Dragon

Garrett, 

Do not presume that you're so important or that I am so insignificant as to not have enemies of my own. If Danarius had shown any ~~intelectual~~ intellectual capacity, he might have gone after you. I would have killed him, reclaimed you, and that would have been the end of it.

At no point did I refuse your help. In fact, if you recall, I specificly asked for your assistance. I respect your autonomy, but you do not seem to respect mine; I spent years of my life not making any decisions of my own, bowing to authority, and nothing has changed, it seems. 

Hawke. Venhedis. I'm not made of glass. 

On a lighter note your idiot dog insists on sleeping right next to me. Every. Night. What is this? I don't even like him. 

-F. 

* 

28th of Harvestmere, 9:39 Dragon

Garrett, 

 ~~This isn't what I was expe~~  

~~I suppose thanks are in~~

~~How does one wear one of these~~

I just got your...gift. I'm actually somewhat impressed. I wasn't aware you had hobbies outside of lying to me, and exaggerating your exploits. The Dalish pin was thoughtful as well. 

I would...like to send you something. But it doesn't mean I hate you any less.

-F. 

PS. Please don't do anything stupid. 


	3. nervous is an understatement

1st of Firstfall, 9:39 Dragon 

Fenris, 

Andraste's tits I'm freezing to death. I think the ink is freezing actually. Hold on a moment I need to  _[here, the pen apparently stops working, and there is a large scribble mark where Hawke attempts to revitalize the ink. the letter continues further down the page.]_

 

THAT'S BETTER. Look at this script. Beautiful. 

I'm so happy Varric's people managed to get you those packages. When you never responded to me about the pin I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to send you anything more complicated than a sheet of parchment. You must think I'm a hopeless romantic (and you would be correct), but this gives me a little more of a connection to you. 

Oh, Maker, yes _._ Please send me anything you'd like. I can't carry much with me, I'm moving constantly, but I'm sure you'll figure something out. 

How is Harry doing, by the way? Are you both eating well? How is the weather faring wherever you are? Are Varric's associates taking care of you? If you need money, I'll find a way to get it to you. The estate in Kirkwall has been impounded, as we're both aware, but I have a vault in Denerim with most of the gold I have left. 

Take care of yourself, love. 

-Hawke

PS. I know you're not made of glass.  

* 

5th of Firstfall, 9:39 Dragon 

Garrett, 

Your slobbering mutt and I are fine. We're usually travelling by day, and he keeps close to me. I eat my meals in taverns open to my kind (which is...difficult, where I am, but Varric will probably sensor any more detail than that). ["Your boyfriend is right. Also I think he meant 'censor.'" -V] I give the dog whatever's left; you know I don't eat much.

We rent rooms when they're available and sleep in stables when they're not. I've slept in worse places. 

As for money, I'm not entirely helpless, you know. I spent years alone on the run from mercenaries. I've been taking a few small jobs here and there, mostly escorting trade shipments and the like, but there's been the ~~ocassional~~   ~~occassional~~   ~~occasional??~~  rare man who needs a bandit den destroyed. 

I'm sending you this ring. It's been enchanted, I think. I can't really tell. It makes a weird humming noise and burns when I put it on though, so I'm guessing it has something to do with magic? I don't know what use you'll get out of it but I certainly don't want it. 

I am yours. As always. 

-F. 

PS. Write more often.... 

* 

7th of Firstfall, 9:39 Dragon

Fenris, 

Do you remember your first Satinalia with my family and I? It was snowing, a little, and mother, Bethany, and Orana had prepared a ham with autumn fruit for dinner.

You were so nervous about being formally introduced to mother, and to be frank, so was I. But I will never forget the look on her face when she realized what you meant to me. At first, her eyebrows went up, and she was very quiet. You could hear the snowflakes tap the windows. Then slowly she began beaming, and she welcomed you so warmly I think it took all of us by surprise.

She really adored you, Fenris. She would go on and on about how you were nothing like she expected. Granted you were exceedingly polite in her company and I think she was impressed with how strangely noble and brilliant you are. But the point stands. 

I miss that warmth. That closeness. If I could relive that night again and again for eternity I would do it in a heartbeat. The fact that the entire world seems dead set on keeping us apart and keeping us from happiness just... it makes it hard to crawl out of my bedroll in the morning. I turn to kiss you awake and you're not there. I reach for you if a nightmare startles me sleepless and you're gone. 

And it's my fault. It's my fault that you're alone and sleeping with horses and killing to feed yourself. You deserve so much better than that. 

On a happier note: Fenris, this ring is hideous and I love it. 

I wasn't sure what to make of the rune inscription either, but luckily I'm in the company of a dwarf who knows a little bit about enchantment. He said that it's an odd rune, very rare, and can apparently give the wearer a higher capacity for spirit damage. Maybe the type of spirit damage conflicts with yours or something. I'm good with a bow, not this nonsense. 

Even if it's not much practical use to me I think the skulls are a nice touch. I adore it. Thank you. 

-Hawke

PS. Write more often? I can do that. [ _there is a crude illustration of a familiar bearded man's face, winking.]_

*

_[the letter is short and hastily-written.]_

 8th of Firstfall, 9:39 Dragon 

Fenris, 

Have you ever heard of 'conscription ale'? It is the worst, most blighted piss of a drink in Thedas but let me tell you. It gets the job done. 

This is probably too much information but a couple is rutting in the tent beside mine and it's making me antsy. I'm trying not to listen. Maker preserve me...I'm not listening, I'm not listening.... ~~good god you'd think they'd have some sense of shame~~...... 

Fuck. I miss touching you. Making you mine, getting you worked up and wanting and then taking you so good and slow you fall apart for me...  

-Hawke

* 

11th of Firstfall, 9:39 Dragon 

Garrett, 

'Nervous' is an understatement, I think. I was terrified because there was this nagging thought that I was not good enough for you or for her. There I was, an ex-slave with multiple emotional issues and a lack of any real identity, and she just opened up her heart to me. It was almost uncomfortable. I was not used to kindness.

The wine did help to keep me from panicing, though. 

Noble? Hardly. There is nothing particularly highborn about me. Perhaps in Fereldan you might call it nobility but where I come from social grace is a basic form of comunnication. If you refuse to play the game you die. Especially if you're what I was. 

I miss your company as well. I don't think I could ever convey how much in a letter; just know that the distance between us, however much or little, is unbearable to endure. Should we meet again, I don't believe I would be able to let you go. You might need to prepare yourself for that. 

You deserve happiness more than I, my love. Please don't do anything obtuse. 

-F. 

* 

12th of Firstfall, 9:39 Dragon

You do realize VARRIC TETHRAS [ _this has been underlined multiple times]_ reads these, right? Are you TRYING to make me die of embarasment? ["I think he means 'embarrassment.' -Varric"] 

I hate you.

-F.

PS. More.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. just the first one

[ _he reads the letter quietly, shivering slightly in the cold. snowflakes occasionally fall and dampen the parchment. he brushes them away, expressionless beneath his dark hood, feeling strangely warm despite the inclement weather._ ] _  
_

20th of Firstfall, 9:39 Dragon

Fenris, 

I don't quite remember what I wrote but if it had you this worked up, it must have been saucier than usual. Or perhaps that's just wishful thinking. Was it? Saucy, I mean. In my humble opinion there's not enough sauce in our correspondence. Write me something smutty and indecent, would you? Something that will make Varric blush. 

I know you blush. Rather prettily, I might add. You smile ever so faintly and your face softens and your eyes get heavy and dark. You try to look away but you can't and I think that, deep down, you like it; you like that I'm helplessly enamored with you, lost without you, completely wound up in your existence and everything you are. 

This is sappy. I'm sorry. Believe it or not I'm actually holding back for once.

-Hawke

PS. Hate you too.

*

29th of Firstfall, 9:39 Dragon

Garrett,

You are a very odd man. ~~I don't~~   ~~It's difficult for me to understa~~  

Blast it all. Varric, stop reading this instant. I command it.

Hawke, I ache for you. I cannot sleep. Even when I do dream it is of you, and that I should be with you. To wake up is a nightmare. It is always cold and always empty and the dog is quiet company. If I did not have him, I am not sure what I would do. His dependance on me is keeping both of us alive as strange as that might sound. 

 

'Smutty and indecent'? I can do that. I can do better than that.

I'm sitting here by a dying fire and its heat and its scent remind me so intimately of you and of long nights alone, nothing but flame and touch and the comfort of your weight. I want that again. To be with you, in the safety of some wooded space, beneath you and touching you and feeling your love with every kiss. I want your hands on me; holding me against you, gentle, always gentle.

You never take. You want, that much is certain, but you would never compromise my trust for it. And I do trust you. In fact, I think that it's my trust and my devotion to you that arouses you so completely, that makes you look at me with heat in your gaze. With this in mind: I want you to hold me down and seek out my faith and my desire in my every move, every breath, every helpless word that falls from my lips as you (in layman's terms), fuck me. 

When we meet again, and we will meet again, I want you to make love to me so thoroughly and so slowly that we both break. 

There. Was that sufficient? 

-F. 

*

5th of Haring, 9:39 Dragon

Varric, 

Have you been lending Fenris copies of your latest drivel?

-Hawke

*

[ _the letter is written on stationery once stamped with a seal. this clue has been delicately cut from the paper and discarded, most likely because it is associated with a specific location.]_

5th of Haring, 9:39 Dragon

Fenris, 

Dear Maker, I didn't actually think you would write me something that lewd! I don't know whether to be turned on, terrified, or proud of you. At the moment it's a tug-of-war between all three. 

...No. No, never mind; it's definitely just the first one. Have I told you I love you lately? No? Very well, then: hundreds of miles between us and I'm still utterly smitten with you, you bastard. 

-Hawke  

PS. Consider the both of us broken. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: apologies for the brevity. I wanted to update at least once this weekend, because we're approaching Inquisition's timeline and that's where things will get...interesting ;3


End file.
